Dancing for freedom

Wednesday I went with Tammi to my first concert ever. We went to the Bridgeport Arena to see Nickleback. Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin opened for them. It was amazing.

One of my friends reminded me the other day, " Some things really are once in a life time oppertunities". It just makes me think twice now when I think about being anti social or using money and time as excuses to spend time with friends, or travel. Tammi said she's going to the bahammas in Dec. and offered for me to tag along. I'm not sure if I really want to go or not, but I think it would be a great oppertunity. She also invited me to go to Canada with her and some of her friends. I think I might really look into these oppertunites, where as normally I would say no because of the financial situation My mom and i are still in.

Good news though, My mom finally landed a full time job, with out Talent Tree's help. I'm really happy for her.

I'm doing well in all of my classes, and I'm finally starting to come around and socialize again. It feels nice to be able to life mylife for once, instead of just be a part of life in general.

So.. On my own has been stuck in my head for days.

I made up some personal goals for this semester.. and year..

- get all A's in school.. which is going to be rrrrrrrreeally hard because i work 35 hours a week.. plus i'm taking 5 classes next semester.. so we'll see

- start seriously saving.. and making goals of how much i want to save..and why i need to save

-start working out regularly

-look for a weekend job

- take two summer classes

-make time to relax and have fun

-get my braces off

-visit my dad, and make a day and time to call him each week


.. life has been better.. with my mom still in and out of temp jobs.. I just hope she will find something that she likes, and have it be perment.

So.. my car wont start. AGAIN. grrr..
I was on my way with shona from work to class in wilimantic.. We were hungery so we stopped at Mcdonalds.. I know I know bad choice in food.. but we don't go out before class often and i needed to eat. Well.. when we got back to the car, it wouldn't start. So i had to tow it from wilimantic to Matt's house so his dad could fix it. ERRRR.

STUPID CAR. WHY WONT YOU WORK EVER!

Anyways.. Other than my car not working. I've been good.

I don't know much of what else to say!
I wish i had a good Yorksher accent.. i'd try out for the secret garden

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone...

I guess I will make a list of what i am thankful for:
- My Health
- My Education
- Having a Place to live with heat.. for now anyways.. ( Mom lost her job)
- My Family
- My Friends
- The Clothes on my Back and Shoes on my feet
- The American Red Cross
and more.

Ok.. So I'll admit it. I'm sick. :(

It's hard to swallow, breathe, and well.. be me.



Going to the Doc's tomorrow.

There is this really cute guy at work now.. he's a one on one for some kid in the preschool room. But.. He drives a JEEP!! How hott is that!! I keep bugging him to take me wheeling.. or I'll steal his Jeep.. so he said " I guess I could do that sometime, but when?" So.. we'll see what happens. I keep having dreams about him.. not like sick dreams just dreams that he tells me that he likes me, and I have to somehow tell him that I'm taken, without messing up the friendship. So I guess I should tell him I'm taken before feelings start to happen.

High School Girls really piss me off, you never really realise how immature they are until your out of high school. I'm really glad throughout high school I hung out with mostly boys. I can't stand girls, but I'm glad I am one.. because I deff. perfer the penis. I'm also really glad that I never really liked drama at all. (Make Love not War).

Oh well.. That was just my little rant.

These days have been crazy.. I have had absolutely no time for anything. other than Class and Work.. Which I should be doing homework rather than updating this. Next semester is going to be crazy! I am going to take 5 classes! and Then over the summer I'm going to take two classes. I really want to get out of QV... Can you tell? On the flip side..I'm kind of happy that I am going to QV before Eastern.. I have full Finaical aid because we're poor, and i'm going to milk it for all its worth. I'm thinking I want my Masters in Education.. But I'm still unsure of which age i want.. So we'll see.

Off to do some homework and then go to work.. Yippie!

So I'm starting to become happy again.. Finally!.. Hopefully its not temperary.

I missed my first two college classes ever today.. due to constipation and a UTI.. OUCH.. I also missed work.. which really stinks. Lucas (Matt's Brother) Left for Afhganistain again.. { He was here for two weeks }. So Matt's been in the dumps.. Hopefully he cheers up. Lucas will be home.. well in NC at his fort again in March. That's not too far away.. right? 6 months. it will fly by.

Saturday was a pretty good day.. I went to the circle of fun with my mom, and we played around of Bingo. Then I got together with matt, we went apple picking, and then we went to owen bell park. :-D cutest unoffical date ever. I've finally come to a realisation.. That I have fallen in love with him, after trying not to let my self fall for anyone, let's just hope I don't fall flat on my face.

I gained an extra 5 hours a week at work.. which is good. My mom asked me to pay her roughly 300 bucks a month.. which is going to stink.. a lot. So I'm going to look into getting an apartment of my own this summer probably depending if we move or not. She got a job!! which she actually likes!! I'm really glad.. she's been in a great mood now a days.. and she hasn't been going out and partying as much.. she says she wants to stay clean during the week.. she's also starting to eat healthier foods, andddd... she's cut back on smoking!!!!!!!


So Hopefully this is all going to be good.. and everything is going to work out for the best. I'm pocrastionating from doing my 3 hours per class of homework..


OH! And another thing.. I donated 11 inches of my hair, to wigs for kids, the weekend before!

So I went shopping.. And finally bought what i've been wanting to get for a while. CloTHES! i was sooo excited.. then matt was like " why do you have to like the expencive stores" pissssssshhhhhh anyways.. I deserve the clothes i got.. I need to get some pants and some shoes and then i'm set for a while.. maybe some more long sleve shirts too.

anyways.. I have to start helping my mom out with food and bills and stuff.. because she still doesn't have a job.. and her unempolyment check has run out. BOOO Freaking whoo.. Maybe if she wasn't an alcoholic she'd be able to get on her feet and find a job, and not have to spend as much on beers. I don't agree with her life style AT all.. and it sucks that I have to pay for it. Screw that. Sure i'll help out a little.. BUt i need to start looking for my own place.. which will cost a lot more, but at least I'll have a sense of independence .. and i wont have to deal w/ watching her harm her body everyday. So.. we'll see how that goes.. It probably wont be for a while.

I signed up for classes.. All of my classes go around my work schd. which is most excellent.. the down fall is i can only babysit friday and saturday nights.. so i'll have a cut in my under the table benifits.. BUt i'm thinking I might let my mom babysit hanna wens. and thurs. and see if she wouldn't mind the extra money.. seeing as she's in the mist of finding a job anyways.

You know how I was supose to travel this fall? Well .. I'm going to College instead.

Long story that I don't really want to explain on here.

So I've been busy School Shopping, finding out how much finanical aid I actually have, Trying to put together a Christmas Shopping list and more. yay.

So.. My birthday is pretty much going to suck, My classes are going to suck, anddddddd hopefully i can get them all to go around work... because i really like my pay check right now.

So I'm back from NC.. I really regret not trying out for Guys and Dolls at the bradley. I guess i'll get over it.

NC was fun..
never went hiking.. but we did go to a waterfall. and we saw a rattle snake on the side of the road!! then we went down this thing called "sliding rock" its litterally a rock in whcih you slide down it..w/ the water pushing you down it! It was awesome!

Clide (my dads pig) stinks and is really horny and likes to hump dogs.

I got really mad at my step mom while i was down there.. but thats another story.

the road trip was fun w/ ash and matt..

I've been getting really depressed recently.. with my friends leaving for college and everything else that has happend this past year and summer..

I need to start christmas shopping so that i can actually afford to travel, college and christmas..

To end a nice long week I think i'll head to the beach this weekend. *bliss*

So I'm leaving for Swananoa-Ashville NC tomorrow night.. late like 12:30AM.. Which means I'll be sleeping hopefully by the time I get home to when I have to head out and pick Ash up to meet at Matts. I'll be back weds. sometime.. I'll try to keep you posted about whats going on.. what i know so far:
* I want to go hiking in the mountains and see the waterfalls
* We have to paint my dad's new house that he's going to be moving into.. because its half
the rent
* I get to see my step neice Mya, step sister taffy, ryley.. , my DAD!!!, lori.. and Lori's
son from texas, wife and their kids
* My dad has a small pot belly pig.. that lives in his house w/ his dog.. i guess it goes in
a litter box.. which is strange but whatever..


I'm wicked excited.

No one comments anymore.

I gave blood again with Miss Mollie on Weds. it was much fun. We saw a batt at old navy like 10 minutes after getting the blood sucked out of us.. it was kind of weird. (Vampires?) haha. I got to babysit my favorite kid from the daycare on friday, it was exciting. She's 2 Her house is huuuuuge. Brand new and nice. I'm going to watch her thursday, and sleep over because her parents are going to a red zox game! yay.

So next week so far.. Babysitting wens, thurs, and sat? working 12:30-5:30 as always.. I don't know what else...

Here you go Andrew:

This week was absoultey insane.

I worked.

Which is normal but.. I also babysat everyday except tuesday and sunday for Hanna. Her mannors are getting better, and so is her attitude, which is good but today I almost wanted to hang my self because she litterally got sooo angry that she attacked my face...with her nails because I was spinning in the chair, and she wanted a turn. She has some serious pent up anger issues that she needs to deal with. I keep reminding my self, she's 5, she's in the stage where she needs to have some control over what is going on, which I give her some within reason, I make sure I give her choices but she also needs to work on listening to my words. I think she just misses her mom because she's been working all week and is mad because she's been at my house like everyday this week.

So.. more of an update..

I've realized that kids are my life, they run my life, and they are a hugggggggge part of my life. The work I do is not for the money, it's for the kids, and the experience that will help me be a better parent, and teacher in the future. I love kids, to death.

I've also realized that I haven't done anything for my self in a really long time. I haven't even had time to remove the nail polish that is probably roating on my toes. The last time I got my hair cut, was last July. That was a year ago, in case you were wondering. I want to donate my hair, but it isn't quite long enough yet. I can't wait to do it, and actually get a nice hair cut, with a style. I want to be pampered. Maybe get my toe nails done, take a long relaxing bath, and watch chick flicks by my self and cry my eyes out or laugh my head of. Whatever it is, I feel Burnt out, and I'm not even a teacher yet, I don't want to become a burnt out teacher in the future, so I have to teach my self to balance in Me time, in everything I do, that way I don't get so stressed out all the time.

I'm donating blood again on Weds. w/ Miss Mollie after work.

I have to say Matt has been great. He's always there for me. It's hard because he works 3:30-12AM.. and I work 12:30-5:30 or later if I'm babysitting, sometimes i babysit on weekends too. But somehow.. we manage to have time to see each other. Just the other night he came over and gave me a much needed back rub. I don't know what I'd do with out him. I just wish there was more I could do for him. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough, sometimes I feel like I take him for granteed.

As much as my dad ticked me off at my graduation party, I miss him. I leave August 11th after Midnight to go visit him.. with Matt and Ash.. and who ever else who wants to go, and will contribute to gas, and doesn't mind hiking.

I shouldn't have to be stressed out on my summer vacation.. I can't wait for fall. I'm really glad I took that semester off. I'm almost done with my sociolgy class ( my online class). Which is good, but the final crunch is always stressful.

Other than that.. I'm really looking forward to the next sunny day to go to the beach. I wish I could feel the sand, smell the water, and hear the waves right now. Hopefully next saturday, I can make it to the beach.

It's been awhile.. soo.. I thought I'd give you a breif summary of whats going on in my crazy life..
I'm taking sociology online right now.. It's pretty easy concidering I learned most of it in Individual/Family Development last semseter w/ mrs.azzone. Right now we are reading Amazing Grace by Jonathan Kozol.. It's pretty good, it makes you think a lot about your life, and helping others. I can't wait to finish it and write my book review and hand it in early so that he can grade and give it back before the due date! College shouldn't be that hard.

For those of you who don't know, I'm taking Fall Semester off, to travel! Which is why I'm taking an online course my summer break, but I love it, and it gets me 3 credits, so I might do this again sometime.

Other than that, I've been pretty depressed lately, I'm not sure why either. I'm guessing it has a lot to do with Graduation, My friends leaving me this summer, and My friends leaving for college soon. I know it has somethings to do with never being able to recover from my relationship w/ ryan and.. My mom comming come trashed almost everyday. I just need to find my self, my happiness and become who I want to be. I guess thats usually the quest for most recent grads. I'm seriously thinking about seeing a psychologist.

Other than that I've been pretty busy with the online class, the daycare and babysitting! Holy crap i get at least two calls a week asking me if I can babysit, I love it! Yesterday after I got home from working at the daycare, I took hanna to Merphy Park in Putnam, she absolutely loved it. On the way to the car to go home, we jumped in every single puddle. It was Simply Amazing. I love kids, I've been thinking a lot about how I want to raise mine when It comes time for me to start poppin' them out. I know a couple of things I wont do, just because I've seen what happens through kids at the daycare or that I babysit.. Such as; TV time. Hanna is an addict to watching TV, so whenever its time for me to babysit, I get her invovled in arts and crafts, read to her, maybe play outside a bit,(basically i get her away from the TV) and after bath time, she can watch a movie while she's laying down getting relaxed for bed. We have a kid in the preschool room who was neglected, he can't even say a whole sentence, our toddlers talk better than he does, and he's 5!!!

I guess thats enough for an update only some of you will actually read anyways.. haha.
I hope everyones summer is going well.

Graduation was pretty sweet. Marc and His family snuck in Silly String, and Beach Balls to have them let lose once everyone had graduated. Then I got whipped in the face from Alex Goodkind's Cap, ouch. I would have tossed mine if it was outside, I would have also brought bubbles.

My party was pretty good too, a lot of my family ended up comming on both my mom and my dads side. I'm still upset with what my cousin told me as she was leaving she said something like, " No one really wanted to come anyways." After complaining about my Aunt on that side not showing up. Speaking of not showing up, my friend ended up not comming because of her Grandparents, but I guess someone had said he/she over heard she talking to two girls about going to a big party and getting plastered. And she i guess was like " Can I come." I hope she realises that she's pushing most of her friends away before its too late.

I have a job interview today at the Staples Factory, I'm pretty sure they start you off at 10 bucks an hour, and pay you every week. Which is good. I'd be working nights 6-10 which is even better. That way I can stick with the daycare until the end of summer at least. Maybe through september, we'll see. My bank account should begin to look ok if i get that staples job.

Anywhoo.. Summer is interesting so far, Its not the same w/ out Nikki around. Tammi hasn't even called yet, So maybe i'll have to call her and make plans. Ashley and I got together yesterday, We went for a walk and ended up running two full laps around the track. I was kind of impressed that I ran that. Andrew and I are getting together tonight, to do who knows what. I have no money so hopefully it wont invovle money. I really want to start scrapbooking again. And start my new hobbie of Cake Decorating.

<3

As of around 3pm today (Graduation starts at 2pm). I will no longer be a high school student. That sounds sooo weird. I guess I'm having mixed feelings about graduation. I want to get out of Woodstock Academy for all of the negeitive things like; gossip, rumors, my friends that were getting big into drinking, worring about finals.. ect. But I'm going to miss the positive things about high school; being a student, the excellent teachers that WA has even if you don't really apprechate them as a fresh/sophomore you really learn to have a relationship with them, the incredible music department- we are lucky to have teachers that actually care and admin that apprechate the music department, I'll miss my friends once they leave for college, and the ones I'm leaving behind, and I'll miss the ones that I never really got to know.

Best Wishes to the Class '06!!

I really would like to pick up a new hobbie.. Cake Decorating.
I'm supose to teach Carissa how to cook sometime soon.. I just wish senior year wasn't so busy.

Nikki's Birthday has been well celebrated and it isn't even her birthday yet.

Sunday: We went to Blackstone Valley, MA and looked around at barns and nobles, went pee at kohls, had dinner at applebees, (had the people sing to Nikki), and desert at ColdStone yumm.

Monday: What a long day, Orthodontist tortured me, my mouth hurts, and probably will hurt still on friday.. grr. Right after work i had to babysit and didn't get home until around 9. Then proceeded to bake some cupcakes w/ love for Nikki's Birthday, because she's sleeping over a lot this week.

Tuesday: I dropped the cupcakes off at the office for Nikki, and she received them. Tonight She's sleeping over, because she has sectionals after school, AND.. I get to go see the dress lady right after work, and pick up my dress.

Wednesday: I'll be in NYC until about 11:30-midnight (probably) hopefully we'll be home before then.

Thursday: Nikki's sleeping over again, and I get to go be pampered! (Nails done for prom)

Friday: Half day.. and Rushing around getting ready for prom.

yay.

The day care was under construction, Just my room, The toddler room. So I was five minutes late to work, because they moved it to some run down mill in dayville. My co-workers had left five minutes early, leaving 8 two year olds, alone by them selves. I thought for sure I was going to get in trouble for being late, and that it would be my fault, like most things generally are. I walk up the creaky stairs, and enter the room. It's carpeted, most of the stuff from the daycare was in the room, set up nicely. The kids were running around crazy, and I was left alone with them, because no one wanted to work in the sketched out mill. I'm trying to get the kids to settle down, and my bos walks in and tells me " We are closing early", with a stern face. I didn't bother to ask why, I was pretty sure I knew. She kept me company for a while and started telling me what I already knew.
This girl who worked on a farm in pomfret, went missing. There were airplanes all over town, and heliocopters, cops, volenteers, were searching all over for her. That farm was busy. I decided since she was my best friend, that i would go to the farm and help look for her. It was dark and damp, with a mixture of fog. The farm workers looked tired, grouchy, and almost like they had been morphed into something else. They looked like dirty olgars. They didn't say anything, they kept walking, and they were skinning lamb, and butchuring them almost like they forgot how to do there job. They were putting them lamb in pain.

... (Not done)

I'm thinking about deleting my Live Journal